I Disappeared.

...as did some of my other bloggers. I miss your entries (and yes, I stalk all my blogs daily, salivating for updates!) It's ok. You're letting me down, but that just means you all have a life (and clearly, I don't).

I still have money issues. I still keep going crazy spending when I shouldn't. But, I like the rush of endorphins, what can I say? (and the new clothes and shoes piling up in my closet). I need to control myself.

I had a great time on vacation. I always get that really sad, post-vaca depression and it's still hanging on a bit. I think I am just sad in general. I want so many things that seem out of reach, and yet I'm not making moves. Whose fault is that? This girl's. I want to become a grown-up and yet I insist on acting like a little girl, scared of the unknown. It's pathetic and lazy and I'm mad at myself.

But other than that, life is peachy. And peaches remind me of orange, which reminds me of fall and I am SO happy that fall is on it's way in! I love the clothes, the smell in the air, the pumpkin flavored items assaulting me in the stores and coffee shops (bad for my so-called diet, I know). I have become strangely obsessed with buying clothing that are burnt orange colored, and I am also buying items that are, shall we say, 'classier' than I am used to, like I am all of a sudden going to start dressing up for work (for those who don't know, jeans and whatever else we feel like wearing is standard at my job. Nice, but not so "adult"). I am just on a quest to embrace fall, I guess.

Another wedding next week. I have these last 3 and then I am done! (for now).

Oh, and I cut my hair to my collarbone, did I mention that? I am LOVING IT. I also had some caramel peekaboo highlights added, which has been just the right amount of spice for my otherwise boring hair. A new cut AND color is craziness for me!!

Alright, I am boring myself so I know I am boring ya'll. Talk later.

I might cry.

Ok, so not really. Well...maybe. But I do feel like it, sorta.

I am just stressed. WHY, oh why, does life revolve around money? I never dreamed that life would be so hard because of some damn paper! It's ridiculous. I'm an adult, I own my own place, I'm "grown up" and yet my life constantly revolves around securing that green paper (of which I don't get paid enough, mind you). I just hate that I always feel like it's a struggle, an uphill battle. Some months are easier than others granted, but right now it's insane. Weddings on top of weddings, birthdays, holidays, trips, VACATION this weekend..ugh. Saving for that alone has been a nightmare and even now I am not properly prepared. I just want to have a fun, stress-free week and yet my stomach is in knots over whether I'll be able to afford all the fun things we want to do.

Sigh. I know this is accomplishing nothing but it makes me feel better to get it out. I haven't actually written in awhile, so it felt good. Or as good as it can to just write some words and still have no solution. Ha...ha...

I have a spending problem and I know it. I buy things to make myself happy and to make others happy. I wish people were as generous as I am (no wait, I'm serious!) True, other people might be more sensible than I am, but I want what I want and life is too short..or so they always say. Still, I know it catches up and bills come due and it's not fun and games anymore. I get that, believe me I do. And I know I need to be pro-active about finding another job, a job that doesn't pay me in Monopoly money (ok, so my job doesn't ACTUALLY pay me in children's money but their salaries here are child-like as in 'this must be a joke, right?') but I HATE the fact that I don't know what would make me happy. I have no idea what type of job to even search for, seeing as I have NO idea what I could endure day in and day out without wanting to kill myself. I love writing, and while I have "started" to write my own novel, that is years in the making and there is no immediate gratification. I just am at a loss right now, wallowing in my own pity.

Sad but true.

Maybe tomorrow will be on a more positive note.

July Foodie Penpals!

Yes, I know. It's been like 2000 years since I last wrote, but here I am again to reveal some amazing treats from yet another penpal. I can't thank Lindsay enough for setting up this program! It seriously is SO fun, and I seriously act like a 4th grader anticipating my box of goodies. I regret that I am not going to be able to participate for the month of August (I go on vacation the week the boxes are sent and received, and I wouldn't want my box of deliciousness sitting out front of my house for my neighbor to steal. Or having it melt). So, I will re-join in September and from then on, I'm set!

So, let's get to it, shall we?

This month, I'd like to thank Alyssa for sending me my treats! Alyssa is a fellow blogger who actually doesn't live too far from me (we're Facebook friends now, woot woot!) and was kind enough to send me some of her favorite snacks.

Alyssa included some crackers (which I am now obsessed with because I love ANYTHING almond), some fruit & but trail mix (which I have already consumed in like 3 sittings...can I have some more? haha) and some blueberry muffin oatmeal, which I have brought to work with me and am just dying to try!

Here is a better shot of everything all at once. She included a super sweet handwritten card (love the stationary) too, which I love! I'm such a sucker for anything handwritten--it's so much nicer than an email, ya know? Oh, and that water she sent me (that she enjoys after a workout) will be used tonight after I exercise! I love flavored waters that help restore electrolytes and all that jazz, so that is awesome that she thought to include it for me to try it!

And yes, I saved my favorite shot for last. In addition to my (unhealthy) obsession with anything almond-related, she also included some CHOCOLATE for me (and as a sidenote, you are super sweet for sending dairy, nut & soy free products--you never know what people's food requirements are!). I haven't tried either of them yet (i've been saving them for the weekend, haha) but I can't wait. Anything chocolatey (and with a crisp of rice!) is heaven and I am beyond excited.

If any of you who happen to stumble across my page are interested in hearing about the program, here's some info direct from Lindsay's blog:

Here’s a detailed explanation of the program:

-On the 5th of the month, you will receive your penpal pairing via email. It will be your responsibility to contact your penpal and get their mailing address and any other information you might need like allergies or dietary restrictions.
-You will have until the 15th of the month to put your box of goodies in the mail. On the last day of the month, you will post about the goodies you received from your penpal!
-The boxes are to be filled with fun foodie things, local food items or even homemade treats! The spending limit is $15. The box must also include something written. This can be anything from a note explaining what’s in the box, to a fun recipe…use your imagination!
-You are responsible for figuring out the best way to ship your items depending on their size and how fragile they are. (Don’t forget about flat rate boxes!)
-Foodie Penpals is open to blog readers as well as bloggers. If you’re a reader and you get paired with a blogger, you can choose to write a short guest post for your penpal to post on their blog about what you received. If two readers are paired together, neither needs to worry about writing a post for that month.
- Foodie Penpals is open to US, Canadian residents & UK residents. 

So with that being said, I hope my penpal for this month, Crystal, enjoys her box of treats and I look forward to joining the yumminess again in September! Happy (and healthy) eating everyone!! :)

June Foodie Penpals Reveal!

Ok, so I know I am 2 days late on this but I wasn't able to post this weekend. I swear.

That being said, let's get right into it!

I want to thank my (first ever) penpal, Jennifer from Peanut Butter and Peppers! She was generous enough to send me some AMAZING items that she loves and enjoys out in California :) I could not WAIT to get home and open the box as soon as she told me she had overnighted it.

As I told her, there are not many things that I do not love (with the exception of shellfish and onions, but I assumed she would not be sending those in the mail to me, LOL). She did an excellent job of sending me not only sweets but, get this--BREAD! I LOVE SOURDOUGH BREAD and this precious gem of a woman sent me not one, but 2 loaves of it! I was in heaven.

She also sent some balsamic glaze, some garlic and balsamic jam (yes, I love balsamic--I think she's a mind reader :) lol), a cherry cobbler luna bar (cherry pie/cobbler/anything is my fave dessert...2 more points for Jennifer!!), a packet of honey peanut butter...oh, and see that bag that says "nutty bits" up there? That was seriously the best thing ever. I had never had them, but it's pretty much a bunch of my fave nuts dipped in chocolate, topped with sea salt and is a piece of heaven in your  mouth. LOVED IT ALL!!

All in all, I could not have been happier with my first experience with Foodie Penpals. Jennifer has an amazing weight loss story, gives others (like myself) courage and inspiration, and allowed me to enjoy some foods I normally never would have :) Thanks again, Jennifer! Make sure to check out her blog for some awesome tips and recipes!

If anyone wants to join the penpal program, head on over to Linday's blog at the Lean Green Bean. It's awesome and I seriously cannot wait for this month's exchange!
Here's some info on it:
-On the 5th of the month, you will receive your penpal pairing via email. It will be your responsibility to contact your penpal and get their mailing address and any other information you might need like allergies or dietary restrictions.
-You will have until the 15th of the month to put your box of goodies in the mail. On the last day of the month, you will post about the goodies you received from your penpal!
-The boxes are to be filled with fun foodie things, local food items or even homemade treats! The spending limit is $15. The box must also include something written. This can be anything from a note explaining what’s in the box, to a fun recipe…use your imagination!
-You are responsible for figuring out the best way to ship your items depending on their size and how fragile they are. (Don’t forget about flat rate boxes!)
-Foodie Penpals is open to blog readers as well as bloggers. If you’re a reader and you get paired with a blogger, you can choose to write a short guest post for your penpal to post on their blog about what you received. If two readers are paired together, neither needs to worry about writing a post for that month.
- Foodie Penpals is open to US, Canadian residents & UK residents.  Please note, Canadian Residents will be paired with other Canadians only. We’ve determined things might get too slow and backed up if we’re trying to send foods through customs across the border from US to Canada and vice versa. So, I’m going to keep two separate lists and match US w/ US and Canada w/ Canada!


So, do yourself a favor and head over there and sign up. You won't regret it!! :-D


(also, head on over to my new friend  Tianna's blog, which describes what I mailed to her as my penpal! I love making new friends!)

The BIG 2-9

So, it's my birthday and I don't really have much to say except that I am excited to see what this year brings.

Yes, it's the last time I can say I'm celebrating a birthday "in my 20s" but it's also just another year (I think next year will be wayyyyy harder!!)

In any case, cheers to turning 29 and I hope that this year is better than ever!!! <3

Foodie Penpals!

I am EXTREMELY excited to announce that I am participating in the foodie penpal program over at the Lean Green Bean! As a child, I loved having a penpal in Ireland, and this is like the grown-up version for me--with food! who wouldn't love receiving goodies and treats in the mail each month AND getting to know new people and blogs?


I sure would! 


I have already been in contact with my penpal for the month of June (my birthday month, holler! lol) and I'm anxious to hear her likes and dislikes so I can assemble the perfect box of treats for her. Her name is Tianna, and if she happens to read this, hello and thanks for being my first foodie penpal!


Another shout out goes out to Jennifer, for being the person who is mailing ME my box of goodies and taking the time to ask my likes and dislikes--but let's be real, do I really dislike anything? (ok yes, onions, I'm looking at you!)


In any case, this has made my week. June is going to rock, even if I am turning 29 ;)

Co-pays

Ahh yes, co-pays. It seems that is what this week revolves around. I am finally taking action and making those dreaded doctor's appointments! 
I'm just kidding. They really aren't dreaded, I just hate handing over $20 at each of them. Buuuuuut, it's hopefully for a good reason.


My appointment with the vein specialist did not go so well last night. I waited forever, only to be rushed through my appointment. While the doctor was highly esteemed and recommended, I quickly learned this place was not the "vein and vascular institute" for me. Not only did they brush off my mentions of aches and pains associated with the vein on my leg, but they kept pushing this procedure on me that would make it "look better." While I know I can be superficial at times (who can't?!), that is NOT the reason I was there. It hurts. I have restless legs at night. 


Alas, it seemed to be the place old hags and superficial men go to have their veins injected so they'll go away for 6 months, all the while shelling out $350+ to have it done ONCE. Um, no thank you.


I am due to go back in July for an ultrasound to see if there are any "deeper" issues in my leg but I am starting to think I should find a different, less "cosmetic" doctor and get a second opinion. He did tell me it is NOT vericose, which I guess should make me happy??


I am leaving today to head to the trusty old dermatologist (and no, I am not being snide. He's apparently old). I used to go there when I was younger, or so my mom says, and she thinks he is better than the place I've been going to (you know, the one who told me I had shingles when I really had a rash from perfume...that place). Anyone who knows me or has seen me up close knows I have these tiny bumps all over my face and it's time to get the skinny on them and figure out how to get them to go away! Yes, I am putting my issues out there and no, I don't care :-D If I can't be honest here, where can I?


So that's my week in a nutshell. I have been working some OT too, which helps to pay for those co-pays of mine ;)


What's new in your world?
xo

I. Need. To. Do. This.

I need to. I have no other choice.

I HAVE to work out. I have to get some kind of motivation going. I cannot stay where I am, making a half-assed attempt to eat "right" and then not work out. I should be ashamed to show my legs and arms this summer--THAT is my punishment for not making my body right sooner!

Summer is pretty much upon us (hello, heat wave) and I've done nothing.
It's time to remedy that. It's going to be a weekend full of pools and bathing suits and sunshine and here I am, chunky and pale and wanting to hide in my jeans and 3/4 sleeve tops. This weekend will strip that away from me and I have no one to blame but myself.

Is the solution to get up early and walk/jog before the heat hits? To sacrifice sleep if need be? or is it to stay inside and do workout videos on the TV? Will I push myself to the limit that way?
I don't know. But something needs to change, even if my hair will poof and my time straightening it will go to waste.

It's time to embrace my curly "summer hair" and get my sweat on.
And I hate sweating.

But...it's...time.

MIA

Oh, hello. It's just me, forgetful as always. Ok, so I haven't really 'forgotten' to blog, I just haven't had time. Or maybe that's just an excuse and I didn't really have anything to write. Could be either of the two ;)


Not much to really report on. It seems that spring has been busy thus far--and we're about to head into summer! 


I have a love and hate relationship with summer. I love sunshine and vacations, but hate humidity, sweating and hair poofing (my curly haired girls know what I am talking about! A hair straightener is the devil come summertime!). I also hate revealing my legs but know that it's inevitable come this time of year. I really wish I had worked on them more so that I wouldn't once again be in this position, but..it is what it is at this point. I am trying my best to count calories AND points (is such a thing possible or is that overkill?) but it's not always my friend. I either don't know the calories for something, or the database doesn't have it, and then I just get frustrated and stop logging. I'm a winner like that.


I've preemptively bought a lot of clothes that I *need* to lose a few pounds to fit into, which I am not regretting. You would think it would motivate me to work harder so that my money doesn't go to waste, but clearly you don't know me ;) haha. I promise that I will make a valiant effort to do so, if only because the colored skinnies and tops would be that much cuter if  I wasn't chubby in them. 


Guess I should put this plate of ham down. I love hate when co-workers give me free food.


Hope you're all well and happy out there. Miss you twin! <3

Red Onions & The Cafeteria files

For those who don't know, I despise onions. Red, sweet, Vidalia--I don't care! Get them away from me, don't present them to me, etc. Why am I mentioning this, you ask? Because I smell them. I am at my desk and I smell them SO strongly that I felt the need to vent (sorry!).


We have a cafeteria for a reason. I understand it's not the best, and in fact, it's often messy and cluttered and let's face it--not as clean as it could and should be. But it's there to be used. They have several tables waiting for you to eat your meal. So why do you insist on eating at your desk, mere feet from me, smelling up the room with your salad that everyday without fail, includes a PILE of red onions on top?


I can't say that I have never eaten at my desk. Back when I worked under 'BP' (that's another blog entry), I would only get a half hour and had to be back promptly or else I'd get a nasty email. So on the days that I didn't have a packed lunch, I'd have to run out. By the time I'd run out and pick up food, I'd have limited time left to actually eat it upstairs in the cafeteria. What do you do then? Eat at your desk. Now I know we're all entitled to eat whatever we'd like (and I myself don't eat a lot of 'out of the norm', smelly foods) but if you know that your co-workers are super close and can smell (and therefore become nauseated by your smelly food choices) why not NOT eat them at work? 


And I'm not just talking onions. People will make fish (yes, all kinds of smelly fish) in the microwaves down in the main room, stinking it up like a seafood joint and then proceed to eat it at their desk. They have since limited that down here and encourage those who wish to eat sea creatures to heat and eat upstairs, but anything else goes down here apparently. And while onions might not be the most noxious item, they still smell. Especially when drenched in vinegar or balsamic or whatever you're putting on them to make your salad how you like it. 


I just ask for some common courtesy, especially when we all don't have the same culinary tastes. I don't want to smell onions, I don't want to watch you eat them at your desk...especially when we have a cafeteria where you can do as you please. People are notorious for eating at their desks here (and I'm not just talking about those with a time crunch!)


It's just rude. I now take an hour and enjoy my break upstairs, eating and reading AWAY from my desk that I am chained to for the rest of the workday. 


Where has common courtesy gone?!

Catch Up!

Hello world, I'm still alive! (I'm sure many of you were wondering, haha).


It feels like I've been super busy lately, and yet I don't really know what's been taking up my time. I did have off a few Fridays ago to go camping, and I must say, I LOVED the campground. We had beautiful weather, delicious food (oh yes, I'm looking at you, Shady Maple!) and good company. The campground itself was called "Lake in Wood" resort, and it definitely did not disappoint. They had a game room, super cute camp store, a cafe, a picturesque lake, astonishingly clean (and cute!) bathrooms, etc. I am really happy that we took the day off and had an extra full day there (we headed out on a Thursday evening and came home sunday morning). I'm telling you, that extra full day makes a difference! I cannot wait to go back, hopefully in September.


Here are some pics just to give an example of the fun I had:

Mom and I at the lake :)

My bestie Amy and I cooking hot dogs over the fire!

So yeah, good times. I always get sad when trips end...

BUT, this past weekend, the bf and I traveled out to PA yet again to see an old college friend. I have missed her dearly and haven't seen her in years (and for anyone who cares, she is one of the 3 people I have "made up" with in this past year. I've had several friends fall off the grid mainly due to stupidity on my part and I've made the effort to get them all back. Nikki is one of them).

Will and I got there, and got to meet her handsome son, Garrett and her husband Dave. The 5 of us then traveled a short distance to my old college campus--SHIPPENSBURG!

I cannot tell you how excited I was. I graduated in 2005 (keep your snickers about my age to yourself, lol) and have only been back there once, in 2007 or so. Since then, obviously MUCH has changed. New buildings, new scenery, you name it. I just could not believe how different it all looked. 

I remember being a student there and seeing 'older' people walking around looking amazed and laughing to myself...and now, I'm one of them! Craziness!

Here are a few pics from my visit :)

Will and I in front of the University sign! <3

Nikki and I on these awesome wooden chairs they now have scattered on campus (why didn't they have these when we went there?!

So, that about sums up where I've been lately. April has certainly flown by (and yes Twin, I know I owe you times for this past week--can't believe the Challenge is over!)

I have a lot of things planned for May, and I am just loving that I am able to experience these awesome things in life. I truly am blessed <3

Still have to do some work weight-wise, as a sidenote. I keep..indulging for lack of a better word...in things that I know I shouldn't. I've been so weak when it comes to sweets and desserts and BAD things! I need to shed these pounds before summer. I can do it...right?!

xo

Swoonworthy

Ok, so I know this is totally unrelated to anything else, but I felt the need to confess.


I swoon Zac Efron big time. 


There. I said it. I know he's younger than me and a teenage girl's crush, but he's mine too damnit! LOLz. I saw "The Lucky One" last night and let's just say I fell in love (sorry Will!). I'm not saying he's the best actor by any means, but if I could bottle up his eyes and his mouth and keep it, I'd be happy. 


Guess I will get back to Googling images of him to help keep me awake here at work ;) A girl can dream, right?!

Acknowledgment

Guess it's been a few days since I've written.  A fact that I am painfully aware of. In the past, writing was always an outlet for me, a place where I wasn't afraid to 'face the music' so to speak. But recently (and I'm talking in the past several years), I find myself shying away from writing when I need it most. It's like I don't want to face the truth, and by talking about it, I'm acknowledging it. I have started (and therefore stopped) several journals in this fashion, which is shameful to me because I used to fill journals and diaries like no one's business! Now, I have these sad, half-written diaries with no real substance spoken of, all because I didn't write when I most needed to.


But, here I am nonetheless.


I had an amazing experience last night, which really deserves a full blog on it's own. My parent's friend Joe is a pilot, and he took Will and I to NYC to see the city lights at dark. It was singlehandedly the coolest and most amazing thing I have done in a very long time. The pictures don't even do it justice. Flying super close to the wonderful bridges of the city (I thought of Sheryl and her bike rides over them!), seeing the Yankees stadium as a game was being played, flying over the Statue of Liberty and being in awe of it....it was ALL beautiful. Seriously. I am so thankful for Joe and his generosity in taking us. It was a one of a kind experience that I will never forget. Here are some pics (in case you aren't cool enough to be friends with me on Facebook, haha).

Will and I before boarding the plane!

My 'model' shot :)

So yeah, had a great time. That being said...


I suppose I should get down to business and really acknowledge what has been going on with me the past few days. Or I should say weeks really. Ever since I first mentioned that girl and her nasty words on Facebook, I've been a wreck. Analyzing my self, my character, how people truly viewed me. I don't know WHY I was letting a few petty words get to me as much as they did. It was like with her announcement of them, I felt like everyone automatically believed them. People that I thought loved me and knew better. Granted, this was all in my head but it's how paranoid I was at the time.


And then I mentioned Easter and how I'd speak about what happened later...except I never came back to write about it. I avoided it, because I'd been avoiding realizing that it was a problem that was bringing me down. It consumed my thoughts and made me guarded towards the people who (helplessly) were caught in the crossfire. At Will's family breakfast on Easter sunday, after days of worrying whether her nasty words were really about me or not, I was ignored by the woman in question. She wouldn't look at me, speak to me, acknowledge me, you name it. It was awful. There I was, surrounded by his family, getting along with everyone, and realizing I was in the same room as a girl who for no reason whatsoever, suddenly hated me. It was immediately confirmed that her nasty words were indeed, about me (and my friend too, I suppose, who originally made the post). It was like a slap in the face. And on top of all of that, I had to keep a smile on, so as not to let on to anyone that I was upset or bothered. I HATE awkwardness, or scenes in front of family (his especially!) and therefore, I had to play the part of someone who was alright, when I was anything but.


For days, I replayed that situation over in my head. I talked to Will about it, but he seemed to think it was between this girl and I. His sister (who is like a sister to me) refused to get involved and made me feel unsupported. I know it's not her nature to argue or take sides, but in my opinion, I wasn't asking her for that. I wanted some support---someone to say to me that they were sorry that this woman said those words about me, that they weren't true. 


And no one did. 


In the end, I was alone, which is still sort of how I feel today. I eventually gave in and contacted the girl on Facebook. I didn't know what else to do! I sent her a really nice, page long message about how I was confused about the misunderstanding, that in no way did I think she was 'dumb' or anything of the sort. I complimented her, said that we were going to have to be around each other a lot in the future and didn't want any awkwardness or 'bad blood' and sent it, hoping for the best.


After 5 days, I got a lame, two line response thanking me for my 'thoughts.' No clarifying why she got so nasty, if indeed she really thinks those awful things of me or if it was a woman upset who was defending herself for whatever reason, nothing. It hurt. And I have to swallow that and see her for many events to come. 


Fun, right?


So in a sense, that's why I've been MIA for a few days. But, I couldn't avoid talking about it anymore. Even if no one reads this, it makes me feel 100x better getting that out. Maybe I won't feel so alone anymore?


So that's the news with me. I am actually in a happier mood than I have been the past few days, thanks in part to the flight last night but also because at this time tomorrow (fingers crossed Mike lets me leave an hour early!), I will be headed home and embarking on a camping adventure with my 3 favorite people (and yes, I mean Will, my mom and my dad, lol). I know it's probably weird for most to be excited about taking a trip with your parents but I seriously love mine. I have the most fun with them, and when it's the 4 of us, it's even better. So we're trying out a new campground out in PA, in Amish country. OUr favorite smorgasbord is out there, too (*squeals*). I know I am trying to be better about what I'm eating but I HAVE to go there and indulge. I think due to all the 'stress' lately I've been emotional eating, which I know is bad and unhealthy :-/
BUT, I feel the thighs rubbing together and it makes me want to get back on track and STAY there. Mom even mentioned joining Weight Watchers? Not sure how I feel about that since I only have 20 pounds to lose but still. It's an option.


I feel like I've written a book! I missed my blog :)
xo

Quick note!

I don't have the time for a 'normal' post but just wanted to share two amazing things that happened today (they didn't really happen, but they WILL be happening in upcoming months!!)


1) I signed up today to do the Color Run in Philadelphia on July 8th!! SO excited since this will be my first 5k AND I get splattered with color as I do it!! How awesome, right? I think this is the *perfect* beginner's race for me since it's not about your time, speed, etc. I just want to get out there and have fun (and my friends will be there with me!) Super excited...


and


2) I want to participate in the Great Urban Race when it hits town on September 15th. I have read about Sheryl's adventures with it and was super jealous until I realized 'hey, I can try and find one, too!'--and so I did! I am going to get Will and possibly my friends Amy and Ed to join us and have a team of 4. I know it might be challenging, but above all, it gets me out, it gets me active, and it's a great chance to see the city of Philadelphia (which I love, and yet never really experience). 


I know it seems silly to be this excited over 2 events but to anyone who doesn't know me, this is HUGE for me. I have never participated in anything like either of these, I've never exercised at a public event, paid to run in a 5k, etc. The "new" me is excited to become active and challenge myself, mentally and physically. 


I love it! I hope new opportunities like these keep coming my way and allowing me to get out there and see what I'm made of!
(Jaim, we are doing our trip next year!!)


I'll write a better post tomorrow. Have a good day/night! <3
xo

Easter revelations!

Good morning Blogosphere!


Hope everyone had an awesome Easter and didn't gain a ton of weight from all the yummy foods and Easter candies ;) I myself haven't touched my Easter basket yet, for fear I will consume the whole thing in one sitting (thanks again to my Easter bunny, my one and only honey boo boo, Will :* ).
I am actually quite proud of myself for something super simple but I'm going to mention it anyway, because I can! My pop-pop, God bless him, ALWAYS gives my brother and I a chocolate bunny (thankfully he upgraded to solid bunnies after way too many years of giving us the hollow variety!) So yesterday, I'm in the kitchen with my mom, and I see 2 chocolate bunnies sitting on the counter. My mom mentions that Pop-Pop brought them over, and even gave one to Will this year! I looked at them, thought about the bunny I already had waiting at home in my basket, and LEFT THEM THERE. I did not touch it, I did not grab it in my greedy little hands and stuff it into my purse for later consumption, I left it. This is monumental for a chocolate fiend like myself. I know some may say that I was only leaving it because I already had one, but...one is better than two (in this case), right? It's a baby step, if nothing else. A baby step to not gorging myself on chocolate like the old me would have. 


I was impressed with myself. 


I actually ate small portions of each meal (breakfast and dinner) and while I did have 2 pieces of cornbread and 1 roll (ok, so maybe I'm not so good at resisting bread yet), I was still proud of myself. I had a slice of cherry pie (no ice cream on top!) and did NOT indulge in any candy at all yesterday. Who knew I'd be capable of such willpower?! Certainly not me...


I need to ramp up my exercise though. I found myself seeing two women this weekend who previously were heavier than I am. They both have lost weight and look great and instead of being happy for them, I found myself very envious and upset. I KNOW that is not how I should feel. I should celebrate the success of others and use that as inspiration for my own body. Instead, I let it bring me down and I need to quit that habit, asap. If they can do it, so can I BUT I have to be willing to do the work (something I always, always struggle with). I hate exercise, let's be honest. I am sloooowly getting used to the diet aspect and learning how to control my calories and portions. But I cannot seem to get myself mentally in the mood for exercise. I like walking, yes, and will do that each night. But even that gets boring to me. I want to do my 30 minutes and then call it quits (and let's be real, 30 minutes isn't going to melt off the pounds). I have a lateral thigh machine in my house, and instead of doing that for another 30 mins while I watch a TV show or something, I do 10 minutes and it "hurts" and so I stop. I need to learn how to push through the pain. I need to learn that without the pain, results don't happen. It's something I'm working on with myself, and I need to stop making excuses and start making time. I might have to sacrifice an hour of catching up on a TV show or an hour of sleep, but it's a sacrifice I need to do. 


As some of you know, I read a lot of blogs on here. Usually, I will stumble across a blog based on what someone else reads, and when I commit to a blog, I REALLY commit. I read their blog in it's entirety, from the beginning. Which, needless to say, could be years of entries...but I do it. I want to read the whole blog, not just start with the current entry. I like to know the person's history, their story....and that is something that can only be achieved by starting at the beginning. I have done this with a few blogs so far, and luckily. it didn't take me too long (can we say I easily become distracted by how awesome these blogs are and will easily lose track of time here at work while I'm supposed to be *working*? haha). Right now, I am on Sheryl's blog and I love it! She grew to love working out, and more importantly, LOVE her body and she is an inspiration. I am only on her entries during the year 2010 but I will soon be caught up to date, I promise! For now, I am enjoying seeing her progress and when I feel the lack of motivation to work out, I am going to think of her. If she can learn to run and love it, so can I. If nothing else, she makes me want to ride a bike in high heels :) But she is currently who I'm reading and I am thoroughly getting a lot out of her blog. So, congrats Sheryl! You don't know me, but you feel like a friend and you continue to inspire me!


So, that's about all for right now. I suppose I should do some work and please my boss since Mondays are our busiest days.


I will talk about the Easter situation in another blog. Stay tuned.
Xo.

Warm peanut butter & the Devil's juice!

 Haha, I'm still laughing at my title. I'm referring to the peanut butter I just spread on my warm english muffin and it made me realize--does anything truly compare to the creamy, deliciousness of warm peanut butter?! and by 'devil's juice' I simply mean coffee. I love it. I'm addicted to it. Hence why I'm on my 2nd cup of the morning when I typically limit myself to one in the morning and one after dinner (I blame my parents for that habit!)


Clearly, I'm feeling happier than I was in my last post.


And, while I still have some anxiety about Sunday, it IS Good Friday and there is no point stressing over something that isn't happening right now.


The only bummer is that I am at work today, while the rest of the world has off (or so it seems. I'm sure there's a few poor souls out there like me stuck in the office). 


Not much new to really report. I am trying a new breakfast plan and having a packet of oatmeal in the morning with my (1st cup of) coffee, followed by a banana, and then I'm waiting closer to an hour or two to have my english muffin with peanut butter (hello, protein!) I don't if it's better for me or not, but I feel like breaking it up into two parts helps me stay full longer and not so ravenous come lunchtime (and in case you didn't know, I take my lunch later in the afternoon, around 1:30/2 p.m.). So yes, I am attempting to be back on track *hides face in shame at the peanut butter egg and strawberry shortcake I consumed last night*


I know mistakes happen and I will fall off the wagon occasionally, but I do my best to get back on track the next day and start fresh. I know some easter treats will tempt me this weekend, but I am going to do my best to allow myself to indulge a little and count the calories no matter what. I am finding that when I log my calories in the morning, I build in "snacks" that I want to account for, and at the end of the evening, sometimes I haven't even eaten them, which is a first! I used to feel like whatever I packed in my lunch, I needed to eat for some reason, simply because it was there maybe? And I also noticed that I'd eat an entire salad and yogurt and be 'full' but because that granola bar or fruit snacks were looking me in the eye, I'd eat them, too....just to get them out of the way. 


If I was smart, I'd realize I crave something sweet after dinner and allow myself the calories then. But lately, I have been eating something sweet after lunch (what is it about me eating an entire meal and STILL wanting sweets?!) and then come dinnertime, I eat a meal and immediately am thinking about a coffee and dessert. It's crazy! So, my goal(s) for next week are to:
1) reduce amount of sweets I have during the day and instead save the calories for later 
2) continue to bring fresh fruits or veggies to work to sustain hunger 
3) DRINK MORE water!! ( I struggle daily with this goal and I don't know why. I LOVE water and don't mind drinking it but it's like, I am not thirsty so I forget to? I don't know...)
4) Log my water
5) walk more than 30 minutes a day (not only for the Challenge, but for myself). This whole week I've walked anywhere from 18-32 minutes a night. This is sad, but due to time constraints, it's all I've had some nights. I need to do better next week and make more of an effort/stop being scared to jog!


So, there they are. I need to stick to them. I know this weekend will be challenging (I'm going out to PJ Whelihan's with the girls tonight, which has YUMMY food..yikes) and it's Easter, which means breakfast with his family, dinner with mine--all of which will have delicious, homemade food....I just can't go nuts. I know there are consequences now--I SEE the changes in my body and do not like what I see. The old me would indulge of think of the consequences later. The NEW me thinks of them first and (tries to!) act accordingly. Knowledge is key, right? At least my head is in the game this time around...


Still have that weird pressure/dull pain around the bottom of my left ribcage. Any thoughts? I also have cramps (thanks mother nature) so maybe it's all related, who knows. I reached ultimate granny status last night and used my super cute hot water bottle for the first time! haha. It actually felt nice against that area, so maybe it's a pulled muscle or something and the heat will help? Hoping it goes away soon...


On a totally unrelated note, I love Paula Deen and want to hang out with her for a day. LOL.


Happy Good Friday ya'll!
xo

Don't know where to begin..

Hello reader(s).


I am feeling very low today; I seem to have a lot on my mind. I know we all have bad days but I'm beginning to seriously dislike today.


Things at work are meager at best--my boss is playing favorites, the work I do is never enough, I don't get paid near what I should (and due to that, I'm not very motivated anymore)...it's all a struggle. I just want to be able to pay all my bills, have some money left over for fun and be HAPPY above all else. Instead, I feel like I work hard to make just enough to survive (with some occasional splurges that really hurt down the road) and that's it. I know it's on me to make the change and find something new and better, but clearly, I am lazy and unmotivated--a trend which, coincidentally, I am trying to change in ALL aspects of my life.


So yes, that's one downer. Another (besides my stupid itchy legs--sorry for all the crazy body issues) is a weird feeling of discomfort on the left side of my stomach area, just under my ribcage. It doesn't hurt exactly, it just feels like a weird pressure, or feeling of discomfort. Gas? I don't know. But it happens usually when I am in bed laying on my right side, but now it's happening as I sit and type this. I know some people say it could be related to what I eat, how much water I drink, if I'm having proper bowel movements (sorry if that's TMI) but people also mention that's where my pancreas is? either way, I'm concerned (and also afraid!) I  hope it goes away.


I have an issue that I have been wanting to talk about but didn't quite know what to say. I know this is one of the main causes of my emotional breakdowns these past couple of days (and when I say 'breakdowns' I don't mean like a serious breakdown--just bouts of being very emotional/sensitive, which could be PMS related, haha). 
My boyfriend, whom I love dearly, has a twin brother, who is engaged to a girl I grew up with. She is younger than I am, the same age as my brother, so I always knew who she was. We didn't run in the same social circles, but I was aware of her let's just say "unpleasant" reputation among the male (and clearly female) population.
Now, I was raised to be polite and tolerant, and would never intentionally be mean to anyone unless I seriously felt the need to. I interact with this girl at all of his family events, it's always been pleasant, etc. I have accepted that we could both one day be part of his family and will forever be linked. BUT, last Thursday happened.


My one friend can be a bit immature. She posted a silly status on facebook about "loving dumb people" and added a 'haha' in there and tagged me. It was a silly joke between she and I, and while I don't condone the use of calling people 'dumb,' it wasn't my post, I didn't write it and didn't want to be rude and un-tag myself and hurt her feelings. Well, minutes after that, I see a rather nasty post from the girl I mentioned as being engaged to my boyfriend's brother. It was downright insulting, mentioning how she finds it 'shameful' that others mock and judge, and that they are obviously 'insecure' and 'jealous' of others, especially of their looks, brains, relationships, careers, etc.


Pretty crazy, right? It was almost as if she read my friend's dumb "dumb" post and assumed it was about her and was retaliating back at us for whatever reason. It blew my mind. I waited a bit, and saw people commenting on her post and her responses back and all of it blew my mind. IF her post was indeed about us, I am not only hurt, but thoroughly shocked that she could be so cruel over a post that wasn't even linked to her in any way, shape or form. If she got that defensive over "possibly" being called dumb in her mind, SHE is the one who is insecure, right?


In any case, she posted another nasty status about "these people" being jealous of her looks and career and her relationship. Now mind you, I am part of Will's family too, just as she is--would you really want to insult my relationship with his brother and say that I am jealous? (for the record, even though she might be engaged, my relationship with Will is WAY better...we act affectionate, never bicker or fight in front of his family and let's just say I can't say the same for them. I NEVER see affection, which I believe is key in a relationship). She also texted the boys sister and claimed that these people are "pathetic" as well. As another sidenote: I am EXTREMELY close to this sister, while she is not. So, even though she isn't saying who these people are and who the posts were about, if it is indeed me or my friend, how dare she tell my close friend that I am pathetic! I am enraged.


and then I realize I have no proof that it is about me, just like she had no proof that the original post by my friend was calling her dumb.


All I can say is, the night this all went down, I texted this girl...reaching out to see if she'd respond? Because if she did, in my mind, that meant the nasty words weren't about me....well, she never texted back. Does that mean they are? :-/


So now I have to see this girl on Easter. A holiday! Which should be a stress-free day, but it isn't now. She told the sister she would be "fake" to these people when she saw them so I'm not expecting any blatant hatred, but it still bothers me that 1) I don't know if the hurtful words were about me and 2) that someone is fake to me. 


I don't know. The whole thing stresses me out. No one can take sides, because she is going to be part of the family soon...and no one truly knows if it's about me or not. But my issue is, if it IS about me, can I really still care for people who see no fault with what she's said? It's like I want someone to stick up for me or call her out on all of it, since she was BEYOND nasty and full of herself, but who will? 


It all makes me sad :( I know I'm a good person with a good heart and I would never be as self-righteous as she is/was. 


And I'm also a little upset my friend is the one who posted the stupid thing and I'M the one who has to see this girl all the time, not my friend! 


UGH.

And so...it's Monday again.

I hate Mondays, I really do. I find it hard to get myself in gear, especially when I was out the Friday before.
Yes, that brings me to the wedding.


Surprisingly enough, I felt great. I mean, when I look at some pictures, I sort of analyze my arm fat and all that, but thanks to my mom, my hair was up and nicely done, my nails and toes were painted pretty and overall, I just felt glamorous. And, as one bridesmaid said to me, my dress was "old world Hollywood" and "gorgeous." So, yeah, here I am:

whatcha think of my dress? I loved it!

And, just because I am proud of my man, here we are at the wedding:

Love him!

So yeah, that was the wedding. We got to see all of our friends, eat delicious appetizers and buffet meal and all around have a good time. I was bad though and didn't log my calories in MFP :( But that was probably for the best because while I did eat very small portions of everything, it would have been too much to find/log in MFP and I don't think I consumed as many calories as the app prob would have told me I did. I think my main culprit that night was the raspberry vodka & champagne bellinis that I was drinking, LOL. They were soooooo good. And I actually did really well dessert-wise, since they didn't have a ton that I liked and the one bite I had of cake was dry and gross so that saved me, haha.

Yesterday, Will took me to Cracker Barrel (which also was not logged into MFP because I actually just forgot). This whole weekend I guess was bad for me, since I had Domino's cheesy bread on saturday afternoon and then we went out to eat with friends that night (The Ground Round, it was awesome!)....so yeah, bad eating weekend BUT I am not beating myself up and am back on track today. We also saw The Hunger Games, which I loved! They changed a few things, but overall, I think they did a good job and I am excited to see what they do with the rest of them.

I am having HORRIBLE dry, itchy skin on my legs. I shaved on Friday for the wedding and applied a nice, luxurious lotion afterward, and I don't know what happened, but come Saturday, my legs were sooooo itchy. To the point where I was itching them without realizing it, and causing all kinds of scratches and whatnot. And now, 2 days later, I have all these red/white bumps on my legs...I guess where I itched and it almost looks like poison ivy does :( I believe I have had this issue before and my mom assured me it's happened to her too but still. With warmer weather approaching, I don't want to have to worry even more about baring my (fat) legs!! So, I hope if I apply an anti-itch cream to them and don't shave for a few days (sorry Will), it will go away and then I will do my best NOT to itch no matter how strong the urge is.

I need to log my water and actually drink more of it, too. Sigh. I am participating in the walk 30 mins a day challenge too, so I need to keep on track with that as well!

I am also feeling anxious and upset about some drama that happened on thursday, but I don't feel like reporting about it now. I think I will wait and write about it in a bit, in a separate post.

Hope everyone is enjoying their Monday!
xo

A is for Accomplished

Ok, so I know to most this might not be a "real" accomplishment BUT for me, it was on my list and it took me 3 hours last night so I'm calling it one.

I did it.

I updated my phone FINALLY to iSO5. Woop!

My phone has SO many pictures, all of which I treasure and it was a major issue of space when I went to update it months ago. And as we all know, procrastination at it's finest leads to time passing by and, well...here I am like 3 months later and still using the old software. So, now I can finally join the rest of the apple world and enjoy iMessage and iCloud. Ahhh, relief. 

That's about all I have going on right now. I was up late doing that last night, so I'm pretty beat today. I have been sticking with my calories today, and fingers crossed I don't go over at dinner. That's where I struggle. I can do just fine during my day at work (although I still need to up my water intake--4 cups is pathetic!) but then it's like I go home and make a nice meal and....overindulge. Or perhaps I just like Hamburger Helper more than I like sticking within my caloric range?? ;)

Mom and I have walked both Monday and Tuesday of this week, which is ramping me up for the April challenge I am participating in, which requires 30 mins of walking a day. Kind of nervous I will let myself down and talk myself out of it some nights, but so far, so good this week.  I'd really only be letting down myself, and that's what I have to remember.

I am having mini anxiety issues about how I will look for this wedding on Friday. I could not for the life of me find silver shoes for my dress (and I am really debating between 2 dresses) and so I bought a pair (that are cute but not exactly what I wanted?) at Payless just because I was there and was tired of searching. And I'm not exactly sure how they will pair with the dress. I think I convinced myself they'd look amazing but it was because I was short on time and options. I don't know. I don't wanna wear open toed shoes cuz I'd rather wear pantyhose, and yet all the shoes I have or found are open. So....no pantyhose. I HATE hate hate my legs, mainly due to my veins and cellulite and the one dress is a tad longer so hopefully it hides some of it. I don't know. I worry too much. I'm just a stickler for matching and looking nice and I hate when I have a vision of how I thought I'd look and it doesn't match up to what I really look like in the end. But...it's just a wedding. It's not MY wedding and I need to chill. I just also really wish I wasn't broke and could have afforded some Spanx for this event, but now that I know the (cheaper) kind to look for, I will be sure to grab them up for next time (which, coincidentally is in June for my cousin's wedding and I intend to look FAB!)

Anyway, that's all. Happy hump day. Hope all is well out there in the world!

ready to pitch a TENT!

April is almost here and for me and my family, that means one thing:
CAMPING season!!! 
(yes, I am a dork who gets uber excited to go camping).


This little fact seems to surprise many people. Why? you might ask. Well, to anyone who knows me, I appear to be a 'girly girl.' I love make-up and rarely ever leave the house without it ( NO, I am a Barbie who CAN'T go without it, I just don't like my skin and therefore choose to cover it up when at all possible..leave me alone). However, if I am being lazy or I am heading outside to walk, work-out, etc I can go without it. But let's just say at other times, I like to look presentable, if possible. And by that I just mean I slap some make-up on and my hair is straightened--nothing fancy.


So, knowing that about me, it shocks some people that I can camp and be outdoors in the typically make-up free world. Yes, the wilderness and I get along quite well, thank you! I can camp in a tent or camper, but if it's my mom and I going, we use the camper. I still have to trek it to the bathhouse or cop a squat in the woods (let's be real and say I prefer to use a toilet when at ALL possible), and I don't wear make-up. Or generally wash my hair for the 2 days we're there. Scary image? Maybe, but I love me some camping. There is something peaceful about having a campfire, being in sweats and reading your favorite book. We cook hot dogs and marshmallows over the fire, take walks, eat soup and RELAX. We might only be an hour or two from home, but it feels so far removed. It's peaceful. I thoroughly enjoy my time there because it's leisurely and carefree, both of which I crave. Not to mention I get some time with my momma, which is always the best! :)


I have been looking up new campgrounds to try, and actually found one in an area of PA we like that could be an option. My dad tends to get restless and can't fully 'relax' when he's there, so he likes to have a town nearby that he can explore..which means if he goes, Will will end up being his buddy and Mom and I can do our thing (we're both readers and have NO problem sitting by the fire all day). And with Memorial Day coming, a lot of campgrounds open up their pools and you can get a tan (not that I enjoy the prospect of being seen in a bathing suit anytime soon....*winces*). But anyway, I'm excited. We have a tentative trip planned for April and another in May with Will's family. YAY for this time of year!!


No other news to report at the moment. Still trying to get myself together for the wedding on Friday. I am also failing in my attempt to drink more water, but I'm trying to be more conscious of it today. We'll see how that goes...


Hope we're all having an awesome Tuesday. Wishing my twin a great trip this week! Have fun Jaim!


xxoo