Catch Up!

Hello world, I'm still alive! (I'm sure many of you were wondering, haha).


It feels like I've been super busy lately, and yet I don't really know what's been taking up my time. I did have off a few Fridays ago to go camping, and I must say, I LOVED the campground. We had beautiful weather, delicious food (oh yes, I'm looking at you, Shady Maple!) and good company. The campground itself was called "Lake in Wood" resort, and it definitely did not disappoint. They had a game room, super cute camp store, a cafe, a picturesque lake, astonishingly clean (and cute!) bathrooms, etc. I am really happy that we took the day off and had an extra full day there (we headed out on a Thursday evening and came home sunday morning). I'm telling you, that extra full day makes a difference! I cannot wait to go back, hopefully in September.


Here are some pics just to give an example of the fun I had:

Mom and I at the lake :)

My bestie Amy and I cooking hot dogs over the fire!

So yeah, good times. I always get sad when trips end...

BUT, this past weekend, the bf and I traveled out to PA yet again to see an old college friend. I have missed her dearly and haven't seen her in years (and for anyone who cares, she is one of the 3 people I have "made up" with in this past year. I've had several friends fall off the grid mainly due to stupidity on my part and I've made the effort to get them all back. Nikki is one of them).

Will and I got there, and got to meet her handsome son, Garrett and her husband Dave. The 5 of us then traveled a short distance to my old college campus--SHIPPENSBURG!

I cannot tell you how excited I was. I graduated in 2005 (keep your snickers about my age to yourself, lol) and have only been back there once, in 2007 or so. Since then, obviously MUCH has changed. New buildings, new scenery, you name it. I just could not believe how different it all looked. 

I remember being a student there and seeing 'older' people walking around looking amazed and laughing to myself...and now, I'm one of them! Craziness!

Here are a few pics from my visit :)

Will and I in front of the University sign! <3

Nikki and I on these awesome wooden chairs they now have scattered on campus (why didn't they have these when we went there?!

So, that about sums up where I've been lately. April has certainly flown by (and yes Twin, I know I owe you times for this past week--can't believe the Challenge is over!)

I have a lot of things planned for May, and I am just loving that I am able to experience these awesome things in life. I truly am blessed <3

Still have to do some work weight-wise, as a sidenote. I keep..indulging for lack of a better word...in things that I know I shouldn't. I've been so weak when it comes to sweets and desserts and BAD things! I need to shed these pounds before summer. I can do it...right?!

xo

Swoonworthy

Ok, so I know this is totally unrelated to anything else, but I felt the need to confess.


I swoon Zac Efron big time. 


There. I said it. I know he's younger than me and a teenage girl's crush, but he's mine too damnit! LOLz. I saw "The Lucky One" last night and let's just say I fell in love (sorry Will!). I'm not saying he's the best actor by any means, but if I could bottle up his eyes and his mouth and keep it, I'd be happy. 


Guess I will get back to Googling images of him to help keep me awake here at work ;) A girl can dream, right?!

Acknowledgment

Guess it's been a few days since I've written.  A fact that I am painfully aware of. In the past, writing was always an outlet for me, a place where I wasn't afraid to 'face the music' so to speak. But recently (and I'm talking in the past several years), I find myself shying away from writing when I need it most. It's like I don't want to face the truth, and by talking about it, I'm acknowledging it. I have started (and therefore stopped) several journals in this fashion, which is shameful to me because I used to fill journals and diaries like no one's business! Now, I have these sad, half-written diaries with no real substance spoken of, all because I didn't write when I most needed to.


But, here I am nonetheless.


I had an amazing experience last night, which really deserves a full blog on it's own. My parent's friend Joe is a pilot, and he took Will and I to NYC to see the city lights at dark. It was singlehandedly the coolest and most amazing thing I have done in a very long time. The pictures don't even do it justice. Flying super close to the wonderful bridges of the city (I thought of Sheryl and her bike rides over them!), seeing the Yankees stadium as a game was being played, flying over the Statue of Liberty and being in awe of it....it was ALL beautiful. Seriously. I am so thankful for Joe and his generosity in taking us. It was a one of a kind experience that I will never forget. Here are some pics (in case you aren't cool enough to be friends with me on Facebook, haha).

Will and I before boarding the plane!

My 'model' shot :)

So yeah, had a great time. That being said...


I suppose I should get down to business and really acknowledge what has been going on with me the past few days. Or I should say weeks really. Ever since I first mentioned that girl and her nasty words on Facebook, I've been a wreck. Analyzing my self, my character, how people truly viewed me. I don't know WHY I was letting a few petty words get to me as much as they did. It was like with her announcement of them, I felt like everyone automatically believed them. People that I thought loved me and knew better. Granted, this was all in my head but it's how paranoid I was at the time.


And then I mentioned Easter and how I'd speak about what happened later...except I never came back to write about it. I avoided it, because I'd been avoiding realizing that it was a problem that was bringing me down. It consumed my thoughts and made me guarded towards the people who (helplessly) were caught in the crossfire. At Will's family breakfast on Easter sunday, after days of worrying whether her nasty words were really about me or not, I was ignored by the woman in question. She wouldn't look at me, speak to me, acknowledge me, you name it. It was awful. There I was, surrounded by his family, getting along with everyone, and realizing I was in the same room as a girl who for no reason whatsoever, suddenly hated me. It was immediately confirmed that her nasty words were indeed, about me (and my friend too, I suppose, who originally made the post). It was like a slap in the face. And on top of all of that, I had to keep a smile on, so as not to let on to anyone that I was upset or bothered. I HATE awkwardness, or scenes in front of family (his especially!) and therefore, I had to play the part of someone who was alright, when I was anything but.


For days, I replayed that situation over in my head. I talked to Will about it, but he seemed to think it was between this girl and I. His sister (who is like a sister to me) refused to get involved and made me feel unsupported. I know it's not her nature to argue or take sides, but in my opinion, I wasn't asking her for that. I wanted some support---someone to say to me that they were sorry that this woman said those words about me, that they weren't true. 


And no one did. 


In the end, I was alone, which is still sort of how I feel today. I eventually gave in and contacted the girl on Facebook. I didn't know what else to do! I sent her a really nice, page long message about how I was confused about the misunderstanding, that in no way did I think she was 'dumb' or anything of the sort. I complimented her, said that we were going to have to be around each other a lot in the future and didn't want any awkwardness or 'bad blood' and sent it, hoping for the best.


After 5 days, I got a lame, two line response thanking me for my 'thoughts.' No clarifying why she got so nasty, if indeed she really thinks those awful things of me or if it was a woman upset who was defending herself for whatever reason, nothing. It hurt. And I have to swallow that and see her for many events to come. 


Fun, right?


So in a sense, that's why I've been MIA for a few days. But, I couldn't avoid talking about it anymore. Even if no one reads this, it makes me feel 100x better getting that out. Maybe I won't feel so alone anymore?


So that's the news with me. I am actually in a happier mood than I have been the past few days, thanks in part to the flight last night but also because at this time tomorrow (fingers crossed Mike lets me leave an hour early!), I will be headed home and embarking on a camping adventure with my 3 favorite people (and yes, I mean Will, my mom and my dad, lol). I know it's probably weird for most to be excited about taking a trip with your parents but I seriously love mine. I have the most fun with them, and when it's the 4 of us, it's even better. So we're trying out a new campground out in PA, in Amish country. OUr favorite smorgasbord is out there, too (*squeals*). I know I am trying to be better about what I'm eating but I HAVE to go there and indulge. I think due to all the 'stress' lately I've been emotional eating, which I know is bad and unhealthy :-/
BUT, I feel the thighs rubbing together and it makes me want to get back on track and STAY there. Mom even mentioned joining Weight Watchers? Not sure how I feel about that since I only have 20 pounds to lose but still. It's an option.


I feel like I've written a book! I missed my blog :)
xo

Quick note!

I don't have the time for a 'normal' post but just wanted to share two amazing things that happened today (they didn't really happen, but they WILL be happening in upcoming months!!)


1) I signed up today to do the Color Run in Philadelphia on July 8th!! SO excited since this will be my first 5k AND I get splattered with color as I do it!! How awesome, right? I think this is the *perfect* beginner's race for me since it's not about your time, speed, etc. I just want to get out there and have fun (and my friends will be there with me!) Super excited...


and


2) I want to participate in the Great Urban Race when it hits town on September 15th. I have read about Sheryl's adventures with it and was super jealous until I realized 'hey, I can try and find one, too!'--and so I did! I am going to get Will and possibly my friends Amy and Ed to join us and have a team of 4. I know it might be challenging, but above all, it gets me out, it gets me active, and it's a great chance to see the city of Philadelphia (which I love, and yet never really experience). 


I know it seems silly to be this excited over 2 events but to anyone who doesn't know me, this is HUGE for me. I have never participated in anything like either of these, I've never exercised at a public event, paid to run in a 5k, etc. The "new" me is excited to become active and challenge myself, mentally and physically. 


I love it! I hope new opportunities like these keep coming my way and allowing me to get out there and see what I'm made of!
(Jaim, we are doing our trip next year!!)


I'll write a better post tomorrow. Have a good day/night! <3
xo

Easter revelations!

Good morning Blogosphere!


Hope everyone had an awesome Easter and didn't gain a ton of weight from all the yummy foods and Easter candies ;) I myself haven't touched my Easter basket yet, for fear I will consume the whole thing in one sitting (thanks again to my Easter bunny, my one and only honey boo boo, Will :* ).
I am actually quite proud of myself for something super simple but I'm going to mention it anyway, because I can! My pop-pop, God bless him, ALWAYS gives my brother and I a chocolate bunny (thankfully he upgraded to solid bunnies after way too many years of giving us the hollow variety!) So yesterday, I'm in the kitchen with my mom, and I see 2 chocolate bunnies sitting on the counter. My mom mentions that Pop-Pop brought them over, and even gave one to Will this year! I looked at them, thought about the bunny I already had waiting at home in my basket, and LEFT THEM THERE. I did not touch it, I did not grab it in my greedy little hands and stuff it into my purse for later consumption, I left it. This is monumental for a chocolate fiend like myself. I know some may say that I was only leaving it because I already had one, but...one is better than two (in this case), right? It's a baby step, if nothing else. A baby step to not gorging myself on chocolate like the old me would have. 


I was impressed with myself. 


I actually ate small portions of each meal (breakfast and dinner) and while I did have 2 pieces of cornbread and 1 roll (ok, so maybe I'm not so good at resisting bread yet), I was still proud of myself. I had a slice of cherry pie (no ice cream on top!) and did NOT indulge in any candy at all yesterday. Who knew I'd be capable of such willpower?! Certainly not me...


I need to ramp up my exercise though. I found myself seeing two women this weekend who previously were heavier than I am. They both have lost weight and look great and instead of being happy for them, I found myself very envious and upset. I KNOW that is not how I should feel. I should celebrate the success of others and use that as inspiration for my own body. Instead, I let it bring me down and I need to quit that habit, asap. If they can do it, so can I BUT I have to be willing to do the work (something I always, always struggle with). I hate exercise, let's be honest. I am sloooowly getting used to the diet aspect and learning how to control my calories and portions. But I cannot seem to get myself mentally in the mood for exercise. I like walking, yes, and will do that each night. But even that gets boring to me. I want to do my 30 minutes and then call it quits (and let's be real, 30 minutes isn't going to melt off the pounds). I have a lateral thigh machine in my house, and instead of doing that for another 30 mins while I watch a TV show or something, I do 10 minutes and it "hurts" and so I stop. I need to learn how to push through the pain. I need to learn that without the pain, results don't happen. It's something I'm working on with myself, and I need to stop making excuses and start making time. I might have to sacrifice an hour of catching up on a TV show or an hour of sleep, but it's a sacrifice I need to do. 


As some of you know, I read a lot of blogs on here. Usually, I will stumble across a blog based on what someone else reads, and when I commit to a blog, I REALLY commit. I read their blog in it's entirety, from the beginning. Which, needless to say, could be years of entries...but I do it. I want to read the whole blog, not just start with the current entry. I like to know the person's history, their story....and that is something that can only be achieved by starting at the beginning. I have done this with a few blogs so far, and luckily. it didn't take me too long (can we say I easily become distracted by how awesome these blogs are and will easily lose track of time here at work while I'm supposed to be *working*? haha). Right now, I am on Sheryl's blog and I love it! She grew to love working out, and more importantly, LOVE her body and she is an inspiration. I am only on her entries during the year 2010 but I will soon be caught up to date, I promise! For now, I am enjoying seeing her progress and when I feel the lack of motivation to work out, I am going to think of her. If she can learn to run and love it, so can I. If nothing else, she makes me want to ride a bike in high heels :) But she is currently who I'm reading and I am thoroughly getting a lot out of her blog. So, congrats Sheryl! You don't know me, but you feel like a friend and you continue to inspire me!


So, that's about all for right now. I suppose I should do some work and please my boss since Mondays are our busiest days.


I will talk about the Easter situation in another blog. Stay tuned.
Xo.

Warm peanut butter & the Devil's juice!

 Haha, I'm still laughing at my title. I'm referring to the peanut butter I just spread on my warm english muffin and it made me realize--does anything truly compare to the creamy, deliciousness of warm peanut butter?! and by 'devil's juice' I simply mean coffee. I love it. I'm addicted to it. Hence why I'm on my 2nd cup of the morning when I typically limit myself to one in the morning and one after dinner (I blame my parents for that habit!)


Clearly, I'm feeling happier than I was in my last post.


And, while I still have some anxiety about Sunday, it IS Good Friday and there is no point stressing over something that isn't happening right now.


The only bummer is that I am at work today, while the rest of the world has off (or so it seems. I'm sure there's a few poor souls out there like me stuck in the office). 


Not much new to really report. I am trying a new breakfast plan and having a packet of oatmeal in the morning with my (1st cup of) coffee, followed by a banana, and then I'm waiting closer to an hour or two to have my english muffin with peanut butter (hello, protein!) I don't if it's better for me or not, but I feel like breaking it up into two parts helps me stay full longer and not so ravenous come lunchtime (and in case you didn't know, I take my lunch later in the afternoon, around 1:30/2 p.m.). So yes, I am attempting to be back on track *hides face in shame at the peanut butter egg and strawberry shortcake I consumed last night*


I know mistakes happen and I will fall off the wagon occasionally, but I do my best to get back on track the next day and start fresh. I know some easter treats will tempt me this weekend, but I am going to do my best to allow myself to indulge a little and count the calories no matter what. I am finding that when I log my calories in the morning, I build in "snacks" that I want to account for, and at the end of the evening, sometimes I haven't even eaten them, which is a first! I used to feel like whatever I packed in my lunch, I needed to eat for some reason, simply because it was there maybe? And I also noticed that I'd eat an entire salad and yogurt and be 'full' but because that granola bar or fruit snacks were looking me in the eye, I'd eat them, too....just to get them out of the way. 


If I was smart, I'd realize I crave something sweet after dinner and allow myself the calories then. But lately, I have been eating something sweet after lunch (what is it about me eating an entire meal and STILL wanting sweets?!) and then come dinnertime, I eat a meal and immediately am thinking about a coffee and dessert. It's crazy! So, my goal(s) for next week are to:
1) reduce amount of sweets I have during the day and instead save the calories for later 
2) continue to bring fresh fruits or veggies to work to sustain hunger 
3) DRINK MORE water!! ( I struggle daily with this goal and I don't know why. I LOVE water and don't mind drinking it but it's like, I am not thirsty so I forget to? I don't know...)
4) Log my water
5) walk more than 30 minutes a day (not only for the Challenge, but for myself). This whole week I've walked anywhere from 18-32 minutes a night. This is sad, but due to time constraints, it's all I've had some nights. I need to do better next week and make more of an effort/stop being scared to jog!


So, there they are. I need to stick to them. I know this weekend will be challenging (I'm going out to PJ Whelihan's with the girls tonight, which has YUMMY food..yikes) and it's Easter, which means breakfast with his family, dinner with mine--all of which will have delicious, homemade food....I just can't go nuts. I know there are consequences now--I SEE the changes in my body and do not like what I see. The old me would indulge of think of the consequences later. The NEW me thinks of them first and (tries to!) act accordingly. Knowledge is key, right? At least my head is in the game this time around...


Still have that weird pressure/dull pain around the bottom of my left ribcage. Any thoughts? I also have cramps (thanks mother nature) so maybe it's all related, who knows. I reached ultimate granny status last night and used my super cute hot water bottle for the first time! haha. It actually felt nice against that area, so maybe it's a pulled muscle or something and the heat will help? Hoping it goes away soon...


On a totally unrelated note, I love Paula Deen and want to hang out with her for a day. LOL.


Happy Good Friday ya'll!
xo

Don't know where to begin..

Hello reader(s).


I am feeling very low today; I seem to have a lot on my mind. I know we all have bad days but I'm beginning to seriously dislike today.


Things at work are meager at best--my boss is playing favorites, the work I do is never enough, I don't get paid near what I should (and due to that, I'm not very motivated anymore)...it's all a struggle. I just want to be able to pay all my bills, have some money left over for fun and be HAPPY above all else. Instead, I feel like I work hard to make just enough to survive (with some occasional splurges that really hurt down the road) and that's it. I know it's on me to make the change and find something new and better, but clearly, I am lazy and unmotivated--a trend which, coincidentally, I am trying to change in ALL aspects of my life.


So yes, that's one downer. Another (besides my stupid itchy legs--sorry for all the crazy body issues) is a weird feeling of discomfort on the left side of my stomach area, just under my ribcage. It doesn't hurt exactly, it just feels like a weird pressure, or feeling of discomfort. Gas? I don't know. But it happens usually when I am in bed laying on my right side, but now it's happening as I sit and type this. I know some people say it could be related to what I eat, how much water I drink, if I'm having proper bowel movements (sorry if that's TMI) but people also mention that's where my pancreas is? either way, I'm concerned (and also afraid!) I  hope it goes away.


I have an issue that I have been wanting to talk about but didn't quite know what to say. I know this is one of the main causes of my emotional breakdowns these past couple of days (and when I say 'breakdowns' I don't mean like a serious breakdown--just bouts of being very emotional/sensitive, which could be PMS related, haha). 
My boyfriend, whom I love dearly, has a twin brother, who is engaged to a girl I grew up with. She is younger than I am, the same age as my brother, so I always knew who she was. We didn't run in the same social circles, but I was aware of her let's just say "unpleasant" reputation among the male (and clearly female) population.
Now, I was raised to be polite and tolerant, and would never intentionally be mean to anyone unless I seriously felt the need to. I interact with this girl at all of his family events, it's always been pleasant, etc. I have accepted that we could both one day be part of his family and will forever be linked. BUT, last Thursday happened.


My one friend can be a bit immature. She posted a silly status on facebook about "loving dumb people" and added a 'haha' in there and tagged me. It was a silly joke between she and I, and while I don't condone the use of calling people 'dumb,' it wasn't my post, I didn't write it and didn't want to be rude and un-tag myself and hurt her feelings. Well, minutes after that, I see a rather nasty post from the girl I mentioned as being engaged to my boyfriend's brother. It was downright insulting, mentioning how she finds it 'shameful' that others mock and judge, and that they are obviously 'insecure' and 'jealous' of others, especially of their looks, brains, relationships, careers, etc.


Pretty crazy, right? It was almost as if she read my friend's dumb "dumb" post and assumed it was about her and was retaliating back at us for whatever reason. It blew my mind. I waited a bit, and saw people commenting on her post and her responses back and all of it blew my mind. IF her post was indeed about us, I am not only hurt, but thoroughly shocked that she could be so cruel over a post that wasn't even linked to her in any way, shape or form. If she got that defensive over "possibly" being called dumb in her mind, SHE is the one who is insecure, right?


In any case, she posted another nasty status about "these people" being jealous of her looks and career and her relationship. Now mind you, I am part of Will's family too, just as she is--would you really want to insult my relationship with his brother and say that I am jealous? (for the record, even though she might be engaged, my relationship with Will is WAY better...we act affectionate, never bicker or fight in front of his family and let's just say I can't say the same for them. I NEVER see affection, which I believe is key in a relationship). She also texted the boys sister and claimed that these people are "pathetic" as well. As another sidenote: I am EXTREMELY close to this sister, while she is not. So, even though she isn't saying who these people are and who the posts were about, if it is indeed me or my friend, how dare she tell my close friend that I am pathetic! I am enraged.


and then I realize I have no proof that it is about me, just like she had no proof that the original post by my friend was calling her dumb.


All I can say is, the night this all went down, I texted this girl...reaching out to see if she'd respond? Because if she did, in my mind, that meant the nasty words weren't about me....well, she never texted back. Does that mean they are? :-/


So now I have to see this girl on Easter. A holiday! Which should be a stress-free day, but it isn't now. She told the sister she would be "fake" to these people when she saw them so I'm not expecting any blatant hatred, but it still bothers me that 1) I don't know if the hurtful words were about me and 2) that someone is fake to me. 


I don't know. The whole thing stresses me out. No one can take sides, because she is going to be part of the family soon...and no one truly knows if it's about me or not. But my issue is, if it IS about me, can I really still care for people who see no fault with what she's said? It's like I want someone to stick up for me or call her out on all of it, since she was BEYOND nasty and full of herself, but who will? 


It all makes me sad :( I know I'm a good person with a good heart and I would never be as self-righteous as she is/was. 


And I'm also a little upset my friend is the one who posted the stupid thing and I'M the one who has to see this girl all the time, not my friend! 


UGH.

And so...it's Monday again.

I hate Mondays, I really do. I find it hard to get myself in gear, especially when I was out the Friday before.
Yes, that brings me to the wedding.


Surprisingly enough, I felt great. I mean, when I look at some pictures, I sort of analyze my arm fat and all that, but thanks to my mom, my hair was up and nicely done, my nails and toes were painted pretty and overall, I just felt glamorous. And, as one bridesmaid said to me, my dress was "old world Hollywood" and "gorgeous." So, yeah, here I am:

whatcha think of my dress? I loved it!

And, just because I am proud of my man, here we are at the wedding:

Love him!

So yeah, that was the wedding. We got to see all of our friends, eat delicious appetizers and buffet meal and all around have a good time. I was bad though and didn't log my calories in MFP :( But that was probably for the best because while I did eat very small portions of everything, it would have been too much to find/log in MFP and I don't think I consumed as many calories as the app prob would have told me I did. I think my main culprit that night was the raspberry vodka & champagne bellinis that I was drinking, LOL. They were soooooo good. And I actually did really well dessert-wise, since they didn't have a ton that I liked and the one bite I had of cake was dry and gross so that saved me, haha.

Yesterday, Will took me to Cracker Barrel (which also was not logged into MFP because I actually just forgot). This whole weekend I guess was bad for me, since I had Domino's cheesy bread on saturday afternoon and then we went out to eat with friends that night (The Ground Round, it was awesome!)....so yeah, bad eating weekend BUT I am not beating myself up and am back on track today. We also saw The Hunger Games, which I loved! They changed a few things, but overall, I think they did a good job and I am excited to see what they do with the rest of them.

I am having HORRIBLE dry, itchy skin on my legs. I shaved on Friday for the wedding and applied a nice, luxurious lotion afterward, and I don't know what happened, but come Saturday, my legs were sooooo itchy. To the point where I was itching them without realizing it, and causing all kinds of scratches and whatnot. And now, 2 days later, I have all these red/white bumps on my legs...I guess where I itched and it almost looks like poison ivy does :( I believe I have had this issue before and my mom assured me it's happened to her too but still. With warmer weather approaching, I don't want to have to worry even more about baring my (fat) legs!! So, I hope if I apply an anti-itch cream to them and don't shave for a few days (sorry Will), it will go away and then I will do my best NOT to itch no matter how strong the urge is.

I need to log my water and actually drink more of it, too. Sigh. I am participating in the walk 30 mins a day challenge too, so I need to keep on track with that as well!

I am also feeling anxious and upset about some drama that happened on thursday, but I don't feel like reporting about it now. I think I will wait and write about it in a bit, in a separate post.

Hope everyone is enjoying their Monday!
xo