Monday, August 13, 2012

I might cry.

Ok, so not really. Well...maybe. But I do feel like it, sorta.

I am just stressed. WHY, oh why, does life revolve around money? I never dreamed that life would be so hard because of some damn paper! It's ridiculous. I'm an adult, I own my own place, I'm "grown up" and yet my life constantly revolves around securing that green paper (of which I don't get paid enough, mind you). I just hate that I always feel like it's a struggle, an uphill battle. Some months are easier than others granted, but right now it's insane. Weddings on top of weddings, birthdays, holidays, trips, VACATION this weekend..ugh. Saving for that alone has been a nightmare and even now I am not properly prepared. I just want to have a fun, stress-free week and yet my stomach is in knots over whether I'll be able to afford all the fun things we want to do.

Sigh. I know this is accomplishing nothing but it makes me feel better to get it out. I haven't actually written in awhile, so it felt good. Or as good as it can to just write some words and still have no solution. Ha...ha...

I have a spending problem and I know it. I buy things to make myself happy and to make others happy. I wish people were as generous as I am (no wait, I'm serious!) True, other people might be more sensible than I am, but I want what I want and life is too short..or so they always say. Still, I know it catches up and bills come due and it's not fun and games anymore. I get that, believe me I do. And I know I need to be pro-active about finding another job, a job that doesn't pay me in Monopoly money (ok, so my job doesn't ACTUALLY pay me in children's money but their salaries here are child-like as in 'this must be a joke, right?') but I HATE the fact that I don't know what would make me happy. I have no idea what type of job to even search for, seeing as I have NO idea what I could endure day in and day out without wanting to kill myself. I love writing, and while I have "started" to write my own novel, that is years in the making and there is no immediate gratification. I just am at a loss right now, wallowing in my own pity.

Sad but true.

Maybe tomorrow will be on a more positive note.