I am feeling very low today; I seem to have a lot on my mind. I know we all have bad days but I'm beginning to seriously dislike today.
Things at work are meager at best--my boss is playing favorites, the work I do is never enough, I don't get paid near what I should (and due to that, I'm not very motivated anymore)...it's all a struggle. I just want to be able to pay all my bills, have some money left over for fun and be HAPPY above all else. Instead, I feel like I work hard to make just enough to survive (with some occasional splurges that really hurt down the road) and that's it. I know it's on me to make the change and find something new and better, but clearly, I am lazy and unmotivated--a trend which, coincidentally, I am trying to change in ALL aspects of my life.
So yes, that's one downer. Another (besides my stupid itchy legs--sorry for all the crazy body issues) is a weird feeling of discomfort on the left side of my stomach area, just under my ribcage. It doesn't hurt exactly, it just feels like a weird pressure, or feeling of discomfort. Gas? I don't know. But it happens usually when I am in bed laying on my right side, but now it's happening as I sit and type this. I know some people say it could be related to what I eat, how much water I drink, if I'm having proper bowel movements (sorry if that's TMI) but people also mention that's where my pancreas is? either way, I'm concerned (and also afraid!) I hope it goes away.
I have an issue that I have been wanting to talk about but didn't quite know what to say. I know this is one of the main causes of my emotional breakdowns these past couple of days (and when I say 'breakdowns' I don't mean like a serious breakdown--just bouts of being very emotional/sensitive, which could be PMS related, haha).
My boyfriend, whom I love dearly, has a twin brother, who is engaged to a girl I grew up with. She is younger than I am, the same age as my brother, so I always knew who she was. We didn't run in the same social circles, but I was aware of her let's just say "unpleasant" reputation among the male (and clearly female) population.
Now, I was raised to be polite and tolerant, and would never intentionally be mean to anyone unless I seriously felt the need to. I interact with this girl at all of his family events, it's always been pleasant, etc. I have accepted that we could both one day be part of his family and will forever be linked. BUT, last Thursday happened.
My one friend can be a bit immature. She posted a silly status on facebook about "loving dumb people" and added a 'haha' in there and tagged me. It was a silly joke between she and I, and while I don't condone the use of calling people 'dumb,' it wasn't my post, I didn't write it and didn't want to be rude and un-tag myself and hurt her feelings. Well, minutes after that, I see a rather nasty post from the girl I mentioned as being engaged to my boyfriend's brother. It was downright insulting, mentioning how she finds it 'shameful' that others mock and judge, and that they are obviously 'insecure' and 'jealous' of others, especially of their looks, brains, relationships, careers, etc.
Pretty crazy, right? It was almost as if she read my friend's dumb "dumb" post and assumed it was about her and was retaliating back at us for whatever reason. It blew my mind. I waited a bit, and saw people commenting on her post and her responses back and all of it blew my mind. IF her post was indeed about us, I am not only hurt, but thoroughly shocked that she could be so cruel over a post that wasn't even linked to her in any way, shape or form. If she got that defensive over "possibly" being called dumb in her mind, SHE is the one who is insecure, right?
In any case, she posted another nasty status about "these people" being jealous of her looks and career and her relationship. Now mind you, I am part of Will's family too, just as she is--would you really want to insult my relationship with his brother and say that I am jealous? (for the record, even though she might be engaged, my relationship with Will is WAY better...we act affectionate, never bicker or fight in front of his family and let's just say I can't say the same for them. I NEVER see affection, which I believe is key in a relationship). She also texted the boys sister and claimed that these people are "pathetic" as well. As another sidenote: I am EXTREMELY close to this sister, while she is not. So, even though she isn't saying who these people are and who the posts were about, if it is indeed me or my friend, how dare she tell my close friend that I am pathetic! I am enraged.
and then I realize I have no proof that it is about me, just like she had no proof that the original post by my friend was calling her dumb.
All I can say is, the night this all went down, I texted this girl...reaching out to see if she'd respond? Because if she did, in my mind, that meant the nasty words weren't about me....well, she never texted back. Does that mean they are? :-/
So now I have to see this girl on Easter. A holiday! Which should be a stress-free day, but it isn't now. She told the sister she would be "fake" to these people when she saw them so I'm not expecting any blatant hatred, but it still bothers me that 1) I don't know if the hurtful words were about me and 2) that someone is fake to me.
I don't know. The whole thing stresses me out. No one can take sides, because she is going to be part of the family soon...and no one truly knows if it's about me or not. But my issue is, if it IS about me, can I really still care for people who see no fault with what she's said? It's like I want someone to stick up for me or call her out on all of it, since she was BEYOND nasty and full of herself, but who will?
It all makes me sad :( I know I'm a good person with a good heart and I would never be as self-righteous as she is/was.
And I'm also a little upset my friend is the one who posted the stupid thing and I'M the one who has to see this girl all the time, not my friend!